God
by lrhaboggle
Summary: Cora slowly comes to terms with what it truly means to follow her lord and savior and to give him her everything. (Just some dark musings about how good a God like this one can be).


Cora Stein trembled under the sheets of her luxurious bed. Tears slid silently down her pale face. Just hours ago, her best friend, June Freeman, had been exiled from Heaven. Of course, the fate was deserved, but that didn't make it any easier to swallow. Instead, Cora felt nothing but the deepest guilt, grief, and agony. Part of her simply missed June, part of her felt guilty for not protecting June, and part of her still was angry at God for causing all of this in the first place. Of course, that last sentiment was dangerous, but she was still aching in spirit and couldn't stop her anger against the Almighty. She had always been told that God was good, merciful, and just and she always believed it. At least until now. June's fate didn't seem to fit any of these aforementioned words. What was up with that?!

But then, how was she to know? Cora wasn't God. In her heart, God's judgment seemed wrong and cruel. But human hearts weren't aligned with God's so it made sense that there would be disagreements between God and man and, for better or worse, God was always right. He was the Almighty, whatever he said was law. So theoretically, if God suddenly decided to let the Devil take his kingdom or if he decided to banish every last angel to Hell, it would be the right thing to do simply because he said so and, as Creator, he had license to do anything he wanted. Even if that seemed unfair and arbitrary, leaving so much power in the hands of one person who could change the rules on a whim and never be questioned.

"No!" Cora whispered to herself. She couldn't think like that. It was wrong, rebellious, wicked, and sinful. It didn't matter how she felt, God was always better. Even back on Earth, Cora and everybody she knew was expected to submit to God and, for the most part, they did. Of course, they didn't do it perfectly, but that was the point of God's mercy. He'd taken them in despite their failures. The brunette knew she ought to feel more grateful at the forgiveness God was offering her so freely, but it was so hard to feel such gratitude for the man who allowed her very best friend and beloved to fall. Cora longed for petty, human comforts even though the divine promised joy beyond her wildest dreams. It was just kind of hard to believe it, especially since she was told that it would take time for these promises to come, especially since June's fate was still so fresh.

June. That hotheaded, free-spirited, blond. June had been friends with Cora since their mortal lives and June had stuck beside Cora even after their passing. Tonight was the first night that June was no longer with Cora. All through all of their other days here in Heaven, June had stayed beside Cora, getting them both and out of trouble and back again. Her loyalty and love for Cora never faltered. She didn't deserve to be sent to Hell. She was a good person. But of course, Cora was now judging June from a human's perspective and everyone knew that humans saw life through a glass darkly. In Heaven, one had to judge with the eyes of God and his were far clearer and sharper than any mortal's. Because of that, Cora had to trust that her heavenly father had seen something within June that warranted the banishment because Cora knew that she certainly couldn't see it. But it was hard to trust God so strongly with something so deeply important to her. Cora had known June for years and God for months and even then, it wasn't God who had accompanied Cora through Heaven's hallowed halls. It was just hard to give something so integral to her life up, especially on such short notice. It didn't matter that her relationship with June hadn't always been healthy. Of course, God knew that. It was why he spared the other applicants, despite their association with rebellious June. In his divine understanding, compassion and wisdom, God chose to only cast June out when, technically, he should've thrown out the whole lot of them. But that thought didn't make Cora feel any better. Instead, it made her feel worse and lingering shadows of doubt, fear, and anger filled her broken heart. This internal conflict was literally tearing her in half.

Cora didn't know, though, if her disbelief in God and his righteousness was simply proof of why she needed God or if it was proof that God was changing her already by giving her eyes to see the evil she was doing. Cora had heard it said, after all, that the damned sinner wasn't the one crying out for forgiveness and hearing silence, the damned sinner was the one who wasn't looking for forgiveness at all. Now who did that sound just like? And if the second theory was true that Cora's guilt was stemming from God imparting his own morality into her, that meant God had not given up on her and instead was trying to make her into a far better person than she could've ever become on her own. But Cora couldn't really be sure of any of her theories because God worked in mysterious ways and it was not her place to question the author, no matter how frustrating or scary it was to just surrender your whole life to this enigmatic deity.

But this crisis of faith wasn't just between her and God. It was between her and herself. Yes, she was mad at God for sending June, her best friend, to Hell, but she was also mad at herself. She was mad at herself for two conflicting reasons. On the one hand, she blamed herself for not sticking up for June. On the other, she blamed herself for falling for June in the first place. June was clearly an unrepentant sinner and even though everyone knew it, Cora still allowed herself to get involved with the blond. Any emotional pain she suffered because of the blond was on her own head for starting a relationship with such a sinful being in the first place. At this point, Cora wasn't sure if she ought to hate herself or June. Or both. Instead, she continued to bury her wet face into her silky pillow to muffle her sobs as the tears of confusion and pain continued to drown her. She knew she should hate June, but she couldn't. She cared too much and, as horrid as it was, she didn't want to hate June. As bad as June might've been, Cora couldn't bring herself to disown the girl. It felt wrong, but then again, who ever cared what she felt? Emotions changed. God didn't. She ought to trust God first and disown June despite the pain it would bring her. But it wasn't easy. But that was no excuse. She should hate evil, thus, she should hate June. It was what God wanted!

"But why should I?" she mumbled into her pillow. "Is God's mere command enough for me to honestly try and hate June? She didn't even really hurt anyone! It wasn't like she had meant real harm!" she asked herself. She was right, though. For all of June's verve and rebellion, she had never brought physical harm to any other living being. Instead, June had always considered herself a hero and a protector. It went against her nature to harm another people. This was hardly a sinful mindset. But here she was, now burning in Hell forever, never to be happy again and all because Cora was too cowardly to do more than watch her get dragged away while she was still screaming. But she deserved it, right? Because God said so and if God said so, it had to be true. Right? June deserved to suffer forever because she made God angry. It didn't matter what else she might have done in her life. She angered God even after he laid down the ground rules. It was her own fault for breaking those rules repeatedly. You could only forgive someone so many times before you just had to stop enabling them to continue their wicked ways.

"But why did God say so? Was June really bad, or was he just trying to test us and see if we'll stay loyal to him even after he kicked out one of our best friends?" Cora asked herself. This idea scared her more than any other because it implied that neither she nor June were technically bad and neither of them deserved Hell, it was just that God was testing their loyalty to him. But that wasn't an unfair move because God, as creator, could make any call he wanted to. Besides, God had warned his followers that a life lived for him would be very hard. It was why his path was called straight and narrow, but he did promise that it would all be worth it in the end, and God kept his promises, right? Even if Cora couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, surely there was one because God said there was. Surely this was just a minor setback in a major operation, right? "I guess I just have to trust him," she sighed again, rolling over and feeling a gust of cool air. Her tears were still falling, but the sobs had stopped.

Years later, Cora stood before an adoring crowd. She was now God's top songbird, second only to Publicist. Pride swelled in her heart as another great show for God came to a close. Publicist was delirious with joy, congratulating and hugging anybody in the vicinity and Cora could see, at the back of the chapel, God himself watching. He looked so happy that Cora finally, actually felt at peace. Her one job in life had been completed in this moment and it filled Cora like nothing else ever had. So often had Cora read scriptures that promised, at the end of the day, serving God would be all worth it. Cora was finally starting to believe that. Despite all the effort it took to arrive at this moment, Cora had overcome every trial and the work was finally paying off in the form of God's pleased expression and, as a being whose sole purpose was to please this creator, that smile was more than all the silver or gold in the world. Cora finally felt at peace like the Bible promised for those who stayed faithful to God through thick and thin. As for June? Ha! Who was June anymore anyway? She was just some phantom. A ghost from Cora's very distant past. But the brunette did not fear ghosts anymore. She didn't fear anything. Not when God was on her side. Cora couldn't help but feel like a fool admitting that she had ever once loved June at all. She had finally grown up!

"I'm glad June's not here anymore," Cora smirked to herself. "I should've known she was a bad influence. I just regret it took me so long to see it and follow my true love," she sighed, peeking shyly at God. God noticed Cora's watching eyes and he smiled at her, bowing his head just slightly. It was a tiny gesture but it conveyed so much approval that Cora felt like she was going to explode. The past decades had been painful, especially when one took into account that Cora also had to get over the fall of June, but at last, she had done it. She was truly able to get rid of her sinful past and throw off everything that kept her from God's saving grace. After so very long, Cora finally felt distant enough to disown the girl who was once the apple of her eye. Now, June was no more than a memory and a silly one at that. Cora felt like a kid who had once been afraid to give up her blanket but was now laughing at the idea of ever needing a blanket at all.

At once, the brunette remembered a sermon saying that God brought people into each other's lives because iron sharpened iron but, sometimes, the iron went bad and had to be disposed of. How else was the Christian faith to remain pure and timeless? There was no room for pussyfooters or scripture-changers amongst the ranks of the divine. God even had told his people in the Good Book that if they were to ever meet someone who tried to twist the word, they were to run away at once. June was that bad iron and Cora had failed to flee but God, in his mercy, did not cast Cora out. Instead, he let her come to terms with it and finally turn away from her worldly desires on her own time. Now, Cora's eyes were firmly fixed upon godly desires and the proof of her devotion was in the armband she wore. It signified her rank in Heaven and it signified how much Cora had sacrificed in order to please God and arrive here. Cora no longer loved June at all. Instead, she held her old friend in contempt and she prided herself upon that. Her hard work had finally paid off and June was no longer any object of Cora's desire.

True, Cora's mental erasure of June and everything June once meant to her was harsh and almost evil, but it had to be done. In the name of God, who was love, this erasure had to happen. After all, true love wasn't tolerance, it was the willingness to speak the truth despite the pain. Love was the willingness to change somebody from their wicked ways to benefit them in the long run. That was another thing Cora finally came to terms with. Her idea of long term differed from God's and that was why she didn't originally get why June had been taken from her. But now she did understand and it all came the moment she accepted God and accepted that he was better than she would ever be. She taught herself to believe that God would always be right even if he seemed wrong and even if she was in doubt. It was like the story of Job. Job suffered Hell on Earth but never once faltered in his faith and God rewarded him beyond his wildest dreams for it. Cora aspired to be like Job because it was how one truly got to know God. If someone was willing to follow God no matter what anything or anyone else said, they would turn out ok in the end. Cora was proof of that! It was June's own fault if she didn't heed the warning signs and turn from her selfish ways.

"June had it coming," Cora told herself as she stripped down and headed to bed in her new, even more luxurious dorms.

"What?" one of her backup singers asked, hearing her mumbled words.

"Nothing," Cora grinned sweetly in reply, waving off her partner's concern. "I was just talking to myself," she said. The other girl gave her a small look before shrugging and turning away to her own bed. She, like Cora, had learned not to question the things that confused her. Instead, she would just rest and believe and that would be enough. There was no need to think or worry anymore. She bade Cora a goodnight and Cora returned the pleasantry. In the back of her mind, Cora could help but notice how very lovely her backup singer was, but there was not a trace of lust within Cora as she surveyed her backup singer. Instead, it was only a superficial admiration. Her true heart belonged to only one. This woman was just another soul that Cora had happened to meet on the path to God. In the end, he was the only thing that really mattered and Cora had finally come to understand and accept this. It was why she was doing so well here in Heaven.

 **AN: This story was a mix of Cora's musings about and against God and an insight to her as she went from a level-headed applicant to another one of God's blind followers. If the ramblings seemed a bit confusing, they were just several of the points atheists often cite when arguing against Christianity. I, myself, had a crisis of faith when I was writing this and my thoughts were no clearer than what you see on the page. I haven't bothered to try and organize it for several reasons. One, I'm too lazy. Two, this isn't an argumentative essay about the evils of God. Three, I think it's more fitting this way. I have no doubt that the trauma of watching June being sent to Hell would've prevented Cora from thinking in an organized fashion for at least a little while. Overall, I hope this didn't feel too much like an angry atheist rant. This was just my way of coping with my own issues and it was to chronicle Cora's descent which was something I wish we could've seen in the film.**


End file.
